A little time to yourself
to panic or not to panic?
I used to have horrible panic attacks when I was alone at night.
It started after college when I no longer lived in a house of six people on the beach in Santa Barbara (sigh). Instead I lived in a studio apartment on Sunset Boulevard in the heart of Silver Lake. It was filled with cockroaches but it had a nice view of the Hollywood sign. I referred to it as my brown box that I lived in.
It was inside that room that I started to lose my mind, casually. The first panic attack was in the middle of a late afternoon nap, after coming home from working in the Slamdance office, which I did for years. I woke up suddenly, terrified, and I had literally no idea who I was. I couldn’t tell you a thing about myself. I started sweating, my hear was racing. I walked around the apartment, staring at photos of my life, trying to jog my memory, to get any clue as to my existence. But nothing worked. I was shaking, so scared this was my new life, like I had just washed up on shore like The Majestic.I dialed the last call I had made, it was my friend Corie, but she didn’t answer. Somehow I decided to just, go back to sleep. When I woke up again, I was fine. I’ll always wonder what would have happened if Corie answered the phone. Would I have been like, “Hey Corie! Real quick, who am I?” And she would’ve been like “Your name is Hilary and you really love Nora Ephron.”
I continued to have panic attacks, or whatever you want to call them, every once in awhile in LA. I never again forgot who I was again, but I would be overcome with this deep fear of existential loneliness combined with this feeling of “Am I real?” that would send my heart racing into major meltdowns.
I would have to hold physical objects around the apartment to remind myself that I was not a robot. When I moved to New York, they got worse, because I no longer had the ol’ 9-5 job. I was becoming a cartoonist, so to speak, which meant a lot more time to myself (when I wasn’t waitressing, nannying, anything-ing). Not that I lived alone. That, I learned, was a big no-no… and as if I could afford it in Brooklyn!
Whether Derek (my roomie, bestie, and co-host of our new podcast What’d You Do This Weekend?!) was around or not, I could always make it through the day, drawing at home, having a movie on in the background, going for walks when I needed to. Daytime has never bothered me. But if Derek was gone at night, I was in trouble. We were so poor at the time that I was often afraid to leave the apartment, in fear that I would spend money that I didn’t have, on top of that, I had very few friends those first couple of years, that I would find myself alone at home when the sun went down. It was a bad recipe for my brain.
I would say to people (mostly my mother) fun things like “Don’t you ever just wonder when you’ll get to escape your brain” and they’re like, “isn’t that… death?” And I’m like, “shit you’re right.”
But the other (obvious) thing that happened when I moved to New York was that I began to draw. It was this huge outlet that I had never had in my life before. I had always been writing, whether it was my diary or scripts, but I hadn’t returned to drawing until I was about 24, which is when I started my cartoon instagram. Even though having the anxiety and panic and strange robot fears was horrible, drawing about them was very cathartic and I believe led my to the career I have now.
I could turn my sad and scary thoughts into cartoons and at least they would be getting out of my head and onto paper. It’s how I found my audience.
The biggest thing I learned that helped my mental health was the balance of freelancing and working from home means the balance of making sure you see other people. It took me awhile to find out how deeply important that was for my sanity (and of course it was robbed from us the past couple years). It seemed for the most part, I just really couldn’t be home alone at night. I could be somewhere else, like the movies or a piano bar, so long as I saw and heard other people around me, I wouldn’t fall into sheer anxiety meltdowns.
I figured out that I really liked drawing in bars at night. I’d get one glass of white wine, fill it with ice and do an emotional download, while usually listening to live jazz. I never liked drawing in cafes during the day like other people, I reserved daytime for being at home, mostly cuz I needed endless access to snacks. But in the mix of seeing friends, doing comedy, and going to movies at night, I would find a spot to sit down at and just let everything out of my head onto paper. I was inspired, not technically alone, and totally not freaking out! Huge accomplishment for me. PS: Some people think (based on my art) that I’m a huge drinker but it’s actually not true. I basically like a glass of wine at night but I actually have chronic acid reflux and have to water everything down. I just like to make art about wine and bars because I love them equally.
Over the years I actually began to enjoy my alone time. My boyfriend jokes that when I met him, I decided I love being alone.
It’s true, but not because I’m trying to get away from him. It’s because I feel loved and I’m not worried that he’s going to leave me, so I’m able to be secure and enjoy our time together and apart. Like when he’s not around and I can fall into this situation:
It took me a long time to get here, though. It’s wild to look back through all of my cartoons, and to see how much of earlier work was focused on sadness, depression, panic attacks, anxiety and complete loneliness.
Today I draw a lot more about dancing and laughing at my dog. But hey, I got a lot of great art out of the dark times, and it got me to where I am now! Which is usually in the bath.
My boyfriend is on a work trip for awhile which is what sparked me to write this newsletter. I genuinely never thought I would get to a place where I deeply enjoyed my alone time and didn’t completely flip out. It’s pretty cool.
I don’t want to suggest that having a partner is what makes you happy and less anxious. That’s actually not the answer at all! It’s something within yourself you have to find to feel more secure. For me it’s that I grew to genuinely enjoy my own company (because I’m hilarious, duh). I obviously still have anxiety attacks every once in awhile, but they’re for different reasons. Like “will I have kids before my parents die?” Those kind of really fun worries.
Also complete disclosure I now take Celexa and got a dog, two huge helps in the mental health world, highly recommend!
And finally, here’s an old list I made:
Thank you for reading! New posts every Friday!
Song on repeat: Broke Again by Joshua Hedley
Obsessed with: Having my boyfriend’s car to myself
Recently watched: Benedetta
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But also...still some panic, much like that drawing that looks exactly like the one in my sketch book! Crazy!
🥺❤️ I loved this