Decision Paralysis
It's like sleep paralysis but you're awake and don't know which sandwich to order or what to do with your life
I’m still here! Can you believe it?
I myself, cannot. I thought I surely would have melted into the couch by now. Sitting there, wondering, should I stay or should I go now?… for about 3 hours at a time.
I have a really hard time making simple decisions. Big decisions? No problem! I moved to New York on a whim. Literally! Quit my big girl job and came here on a flying whim.
But little decisions? Like simply where to order from on Seamless and then what to order on the menu and whether or not I should have it delivered or go pick it up or if this is all just a bad idea and I shouldn’t spend money and could easily live off popcorn for the next three months… are my kryptonite!!!!
How should I know what I want to eat? I would hate to make an assumption about my own desires! And what if I pick the wrong thing? Because honestly, I usually do. A waiter says, “A what would you like to order?” and I completely panic. I order a burger and say yes to mayo! Even though I don’t really like burgers and I definitely don’t like mayo. And even if I do order the right thing, they’ll get it wrong, and I’ll never ever send it back because the scariest thing you can do in life is inconvenience someone.
If you’re like my mom, you’re wanting to yell “CALM DOWN!” at me right now. And believe me, I try! I even describe myself as “laid back” and “pretty chill” sometimes. Which is so funny and so untrue. But maybe if I keep putting it in my dating profiles… it will manifest itself?
A recurring sketch of mine that you can find in my hundreds of notebooks is this girl just sort of… standing there…
Or sitting there…
Or ya know… laying there…
Because she simply doesn’t know what to do with herself. The possibilities are both limitless and incredibly finite. And that my friends, is decision paralysis!!
It’s the feeling you get when you think you have so many options, and it feels impossible to make a decision, when in reality, you honestly only have like 3-5 options and none of them are going to kill you.
When I’m trying to figure out my next plan, i.e. my next distraction from my own existence, I feel like I’m really just trying to figure out how to “be okay.” But really, have I ever been okay? Have any of us ever truly been okay?
Every decision seems to have, “and what should I do for the rest of my life?” tagged on to the end of it. Like I’m standing on this street corner, weighing the options between going to a movie or seeing a comedy show and how that decision will effect my entire existence. You will not be surprised that I secretly love the movie The Butterfly Effect!!!
Some days I have so much to do and I tackle ever task like the busiest ran in New York.
But the days when I don’t have my life jammed up with meetings and shows and drinks and phone calls, I get stuck in a loop where I completely lose track of time because I’m staring at a wall, wondering whether or not I “have a life,” as people like to say.
Last week I found myself once again on the couch, having a totally invisible meltdown over whether or not I should go to this one bar to draw or go somewhere in the city to draw or maybe just stay home to draw. It lasted for an hour and a half. Ultimately I went into the city and obviously everything was fine.
But why the fuck is it so hard for me to just *decide*?
I can hear you screaming “because you suffer from anxiety” and it’s like lol I know. I have been on and off different anti-anxiety/anti-depressants over the past few years. Currently I’m in the “off” phase as I’m trying out what it’s like to just survive. (What a thrill!). But in this journey I have found several small, temporary solutions to consciousness:
Even though it often feels literally impossible, the best thing you can do is leave your apartment. Even if its only for 5 minutes.
Make friends & lovers who force you to do things. I am a “no” person, as in I just truly love to say no to activities. Usually I pride myself in this personality trait, i.e. I’m relieved that I know I don’t want to go camping or bowling or Joshua Tree-ing with you. But I also can’t say no to my whole life, and luckily I have a few friends who announce “we’re doing something!!!” and it’s hopefully in the realm of things I like to do (like the Cruel Intentions Musical, I went twice!!!!). I’m embarrassed to say that a list I have made like probably 43 times in the past 7 years is called “Who Do I know in New York?” It’s always changing and has gotten smaller every week (how many more of you can move to LA?) but it humbles and helps me.
Get a dog. It’s really changed my life. At the end of the day, even if I’ve felt like I really couldn’t decide on so many things, I have had to walk my dog like 3 times and honestly, that’s huge.
Here’s a sad poem I wrote to myself recently.
After writing this I decided “clarity” would be my stripper name. And speaking of me fetishizing strippers, did you ever read my comic in Awry, “Is there something I should be doing?”
Thank you for reading! New posts every Friday!
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