I think about What About Bob? more than I’d really like to admit, but here I am, telling you…
I’d like to take a vacation. From my problems, from myself, from everything!
The past few weeks have been bonkers, in a beautiful way. I’ve been working, I’ve been performing, I’ve been dancing, I’ve been drawing. My mom likes to joke by sending me texts that just say “Where are you, now?” because I have been quite literally all over the place. I am so grateful to be doing so many things that I deeply love, but my god, I am tired.
I had a dream the other night that looked like this:
I was in bed, but I was also on the train, late, trying to get somewhere. It’s so obvious! But so real!
It’s a little embarrassing to be this tired when I don’t have children. I know my friends with kids are so much more exhausted than me. They are terrorized by babies! Sleep is only but a mere idea in the back of their brains! How could I call myself tired just because I’ve been “busy”??? It’s pathetic! But I tell you, I was so tired before a show I had last night that I actually burst into tears. Perhaps it’s all relative. Imagine how tired an ant must get carrying one little leaf. And then they get back to the crew and the leader is like “Go get another leaf!” and the ant is like “ARE YOU KIDDING ME???”
As a person who seems to get high off of adding new schticks to her repertoire, I often wonder, what the hell is wrong with me. I don’t even like coffee—why am I doing this to myself!? Why don’t I just do one thing, and do it well. It would make so much more sense. Focus on one thing! Make this one thing, incredible! But I can’t seem to do it. I want to do ALL THE THINGS. I don’t know why I do, I just do!! Do I have ADHD? Am I just a narcissist hungry for attention?? Is it something about being the youngest child?? Last night as we were falling asleep my boyfriend and I were talking about the concept of why. He said said he finds it so upsetting that discovering out why you’re a certain way doesn’t actually help most of the time. You may figure out why you’re so afraid of plans changing, but that doesn’t mean you’re going to stop being afraid of it. I myself had a huge discovery last year that I have ARFID (avoidant restrictive food intake disorder) but knowing it hasn’t made me better about eating! I just know it now! This of course brings us back to What About Bob?
I keep thinking that once the weather changes and spring actually arrives, I won’t be so tired. The sun and the flowers will fill me with so much energy that I’ll be unstoppable. I’ll run from event to event, from dog parks to dinners, bursting with joy and a level of enthusiasm that verges on the point of disturbance. Either that or I’ll be committed.
But really! Winter has an emotional weight unlike any other season. I feel I’ve been hanging on for dear life underneath a coat, a coat, a sweater and a scarf for so long that I could have a psychotic break and move to Florida at any moment. I know, I know you’re like “FLORIDA!?” but do you know how warm it is there? People there are completely unfettered by clothing! I could rollerblade down a bike path in a bikini pushing an empty stroller for weeks and no one would bat an eye!!
With spring hanging in the near future (god willing) I have cleaning on the mind. I am a person who could be described as a Hoarder’s Apprentice. Think of me as waiting in the wings with a box full of Vanity Fairs I’ve been holding onto for 5 years, so eager to play the game. Get me in there coach!! It is incredibly difficult for me to get rid of things. I don’t even like to dispose of a half eaten apple. What if I want it tomorrow? What if my DOG wants it tomorrow? Don’t waste such precious life forces! So when I do attempt to force myself to do some sort of Spring Cleaning Cosplay situation, it is no easy feat!
(I don’t have those Vanity Fairs anymore, my friend Willa made me get rid of them when we moved to New York together in 2015 because she loves me).
My boyfriend need not fear, one thing I’m really bad at getting rid of is MEN! (James, you’re safe!!)
Ok back to Florida. I want to go somewhere. Anywhere, really. I’ve been begging for a vacation that I cannot afford. James asked me if I could go on a vacation, the best vacation ever, for a week, but when I came home I would not remember it, would I still go? (He is a tricky little fucker). My answer was an obvious HELL NO. I wouldn’t even get to brag about it! I certainly wouldn’t be able to draw anything. I’m nothing if I’m not the stories I tell over and over again! Would you do it???
Easter is this Sunday and whether or not you celebrate it, I assume you love chocolate. I’ll leave you with some Easter cartoons from the past few years!
Ok just one more What About Bob? clip to describe me right now.
Thank you for reading! New posts every Friday! Also I didn’t do Rambles or Pinot Noir or really anything the past two weeks because I’m, once again TOO TIRED! Back to normal life this week!!!
Catch me IRL: Picture This! tomorrow at Union Hall!!
Song on Repeat: The Long Game by Emily Nenni
Currently watching: Easter Parade
P.S. It’s my dad’s birthday!! Happy birthday Doug!!!
Danced with the Easter Bunny as a tango! Hopefully it will make your heart raise to the sky!💃🏽🐰🪺
Love the way you tell stories. Also your “barbie” is so relatable. The brush in hair! Too good. What kind of dancing do you do?