I'm Gonna Take a Bath

my response to everything

I feel so bad for people who don’t take baths. Or do I really feel bad for their bathtubs? They’re just sitting there! Without a friend! No one to go over the day with! There should be a support group for all the interesting bathtubs going unused in New York.

This will come as no surprise, but I love baths. I have loved baths forever. They are the ultimate safe space. If you’re feeling sad, take a bath. If you’re feeling great, take a bath. I once pooped in the bath when I was 5 while my cousin Jacque was in there with me. She hated it but clearly I was feeling very at ease!

Here’s me at The Oscars:

My relationship with baths has been ever evolving. In college I took them when I was drunk and angry (party trick!)—

… in my 20s they were a great place to breakdown all my bad decisions.

And in my 30s, they’re for truly anything.

Sometimes (read: very often) as I am telling people my love for bath’s they think it translates to the love of hot tubs. And to that I simply say, no. There is such a huge difference between bath tubs and hot tubs. For one, the temperature can be quite insane in a hot tub. But more importantly, you cannot lie down in a hot tub! You cannot be fully encapsulated by ceramic wall and water! You cannot feel like you are back in the womb. Hot tubs are something I can only tolerate for about 5 minutes and then it’s over. It’s too hot and I feel vulnerable. Plus your arms have to do this whole bro-y thing where they’re hanging over the edge. I have only drawn one hot tub cartoon. It was a daily cartoon for The New Yorker last summer. Perhaps this is a hot tub I would prefer, since I famously hate mosquitos. Or is it that they love me?

Now if I could somehow have a bathtub that was outside (you’re thinking, that’s a hot tub, but it’s not, it’s a bathtub outside), I would be fucking thrilled. I’d love to take a bath in the park, under the moon, in a vineyard, on top of a roof even.

When I left for college my parents remodeled the “kids” bathroom and… removed the tub. They replaced it with a standing shower. I nearly had an aneurysm. My childhood tub, gone. In a moment. The memories, erased. It only lives on in photographs! I remember calling my mom, being very bratty, yelling things like, “Where am I supposed to have a bath when I come home!” and “Don’t you realize you de-valued your home??” Hilarious. Her response was I could take a bath in their bathroom, which is a bathroom that has been under construction for about 20 years now. Classic “Dad’s fixing up the bathroom,” aka “it will never be done.” I have since taken baths in there but there’s no doors (again, never finished). So if you want to take a bath, you have to make an announcement to the entire family. “Excuse me, everyone! I am taking a bath! Please do not come upstairs!” I have said this many, many times. It’s a replacement, sure, but it will never live up to my original tub.

One thing that is clear is that the love of baths was instilled in me and my siblings. I was shocked several years back to find that my brother, my sports loving, bro brother, loves baths. It’s all he wants to do at the end of the day. “So we are siblings!” I shrieked. My sisters are the same. What a beautiful thing to have in common!

People who don’t like baths always use the same reason. “I don’t wan to sit in tub of my own filth.” This, I don’t understand. Exactly how dirty are you? Are you a construction worker? Then, sure, ok, rinse off first. But my bathtub has never been that horrifying. Maybe only when I shave my legs after forgetting to for a small century, but otherwise, it’s me and some soapy water. Perhaps this is because of the number of baths I take. Derek and I recently debated this issue on What’d You Do This Weekend? because I ate a piece of chocolate that fell in the bathtub for a second and everyone flipped out. But like, why? What are people so afraid of! Their own bodies? Who knows.

Loving baths is something I think everyone I follow on Twitter has in common. It’s like the chic thing amongst women in comedy today. And I’m here for it! When I got my dog Margie I actually gave her too many baths, because we took them together, and I thought it was so much flippin’ fun, but then she started to get dandruff, and people were like “you shouldn’t be bathing your dog that much.” SHEESH! OK! I GET IT!

I haven’t been taking baths at home very much this summer (see above) but since this is major wedding season for me, I have been taking baths in hotels!! Is there anything better? A new tub, that you’ve never seen before! And the tiny shampoo bottles! What a thrill. Perfect for being hungover in.

That’s it on bathtubs for now. Certainly more in the future. Here’s baby Margie in the tub:

Thank you for reading! New posts every Friday!

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• ICYMI: Drunk Bath Season from The New Yorker, 2018

• Song on repeat: Xanadu by Olivia Newton-John (RIP Sweetie)

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