Sketchbook Dump #30
Trauma writing, coping mechanisms and foot peels
Holy cannoli, y’all. I have been through the wringer!*
*The wringer that I put myself through by selling a book that I then had to complete.
While I won’t say much about the book itself right now because I’ll be doing a lot of that in the coming year, I will take this time to talk about trauma writing. What is it? Is it necessary? Are you so self absorbed???
Trauma writing is… weird! It’s not like anything else I’ve ever experienced. I have done some heavy duty subjects in the past, but I haven’t focused on them for the entirety of a graphic memoir. Some might say, “Hilary didn’t you write a book about murder?” and yeah…oddly, the book about food… way more emotional, way more difficult. I had no idea what I was in for.
It’s maybe better that I didn’t know what I was stepping into, because had I been aware of how emotionally painful this was going to be, I might have not gone after it, I might’ve shied away from digging up some very dark feelings, I may have… HA! On second thought, WHO AM I KIDDING I LOVE PAIN!!!!
But really though, it was triggering to relive some of the darkest and most difficult portions of my life, not just in writing about them, but in literally having to draw them, scene by scene, moment by moment. That’s that thing I think graphic memoirists are always trying to explain to writers. They’re writing it, they can paint a scene with words, but we have to literally sit there and draw the night you almost died or person who broke your heart or the apartment you developed bulimia in. It is, and this isn’t eloquent but, it’s very hard. But it’s also by choice and that’s the crux of it all. Is it worth it? Is there value? Are you just emotionally cutting? That’s one of those tricky questions only you can answer, no one can tell you.
During this process I read a lot of essays about how to make it through trauma writing, I spoke to authors and writers who have done similar work, I wondered and wondered, why I continue to do this to myself, all the time.
Of course I know what I do it for. The catharsis that is art. Creating this book has helped me find a level of self acceptance I’m not sure I’ve ever experienced before. I’m thankful for it. And hopefully, it will help others once it’s out in the world.
The biggest thing I read about making it through trauma writing was the most obvious one, but the thing we always forget to do. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Ha! Wow! What a concept!
In the final month of this process I gave myself a ton of rewards. Soft serve ice cream. Frozen Cokes. I also made sure to let everyone in my community that I was desperate for help. Any version of help. Walking Margie. Delivering me actual sustenance (they call them vegetables). Literally asking for a hug. And the biggest thing, is to not be ashamed about the amount of assistance you need at any given time. You need help! That’s ok!! You can’t always be a super hero who gets work done, cleans the kitchen and feeds themselves properly. Sometimes you’re a tiny little hero, strapped to a desk, in the dirtiest apartment in Brooklyn, sweaty, and reaching for another sleeve of saltines.
Okay moving on from the sad part!!! I’m so glad to be back to my regular tooning!! You can’t believe how incredible it felt to sit down at a coffee shop and just draw whatever the hell came to my mind and not have it matter if it “stuck to the narrative.” Margie’s narrative this summer? “How can I eat hose water?”
Last week I put a “foot peel” on. It’s some chemical peel thing that is supposed to break through my 45 layers of callous on my dirty ass feet. I wore the little booties for an hour and the label said in a week skin will begin to peel. PEEL? HAHA! It should’ve said, skin will begin to fall off at dramatic rates and your foot will look like a fluffy bath mat. The label also said “Don’t scratch or itch or peel the skin.” HILARIOUS. Who could resist such an exciting moment? I can’t even let one zit go unpopped. You think I’m gonna leave a SEA of FOOT SKIN to come off on it’s own?? Not in this life!!!
I saw this swan at the Boathouse in Prospect Park and found it so serene until I found out the tragic story behind it that’s been haunting me all week. I talk about it in my weekly rambles here.
Signing off with the first list I made post book finishing in which I almost poop my pants!!!!
Thank you for reading! New posts every Friday!
ICYMI: There’s still a few seats left in my cartoon workshop tonight in Manhattan!
On Repeat: my dance team’s playlist for Poseidon Parade, come watch us in Rockaway Beach tomorrow!!
Thinking about: Sending
birthday wishes!!!!!Obsessed with: Amy Kurzweil’s TedTalk!
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— you should too!Most of the cartoons in this newsletter are available on Etsy!
DOOF, the trauma-writing cartoons are spot on for me. Esp. the instantaneous flipping between recognizing that you said something true and potent and then worrying you’re too self involved. Good on you for pushing through!!
I so love your daily list. Do you write that throughout the day? That night? Next morning? I’ve been wanting to make it a habit and can’t seem to for some reason…