Witches Be Crazy
SJP, fashion statements, and The Crucible
Tuesday night I finally saw Hocus Pocus 2 so naturally I’m writing to you about witches this week. Obviously I love witches, I wish I was one, blah blah blah “i’m a woman” etc.
I am relieved to say that loved Hocus Pocus 2. If you haven’t watched it yet I recommend you get a free trial of Disney+, watch it, and promptly cancel your trial. I’d say the only disappointing part of the film is SJP’s performance… sigh. Everyone else kills it, but she seems to have forgotten who her character was. Thoughts? Next week I’ll be posting a comic about the movie, for paid subscribers! Which reminds me there are a lot of new subscribers this week after this publication was featured on Substack (yay!) so welcome new readers! There is no structure here! I’m flying by the seat of my broom! If you want to consider going paid, you’ll have access to years worth of comics in the archive.
Back to witches! This children eating cartoon is my most recent witch toon to be rejected from The New Yorker. I thought it was hilarious, of course. Like I know witches are supposed to be hags and spinsters, but if we learned anything from Practical Magic, we know witches can be moms too! I mean, any woman that can survive motherhood has to be a witch… AMIRIGHT OR AMIRIGHT!! Jk I don’t have kids and don’t have the authority to make these jokes. I do think that if I were a witch I would be squishing so many items onto my broom. There’d be like a book, a bag of goldfish crackers, a vibrator, you get it—GIRLBOSS!
My only problem with my dream of being a witch is the whole cat thing. I would be the first witch to have a dog, but maybe in like a tongue in cheek way I would name my dog, Cat, and then the coven wouldn’t reject me?
PS — if you’re following along with my 31 Days of Halloween Movies, you watched Practical Magic this week. I had subtitles on when I was watching and finally confirmed for myself the children do scream “witch witch, you’re a bitch!” to the girls and so now I know I haven’t been losing my mind all these years.
PPS — After I made that movie list I was like “wtf there’s so many more I need to include” so I made a second list and honestly I already want to make a third.
Years ago when I was helping Jessica Bennett out with marketing her book Feminist Fight Club (which I illustrated) I had to make a lot of witch memes for their social media. This one is my favorite though it’s less of a meme and really just great history.
How do we bring this group back? I would like to break into a wedding planner’s office and change all the catering reservations to serve Taco Bell.
It would be great to see some real life witches appear in 2023. For one thing, I love witch fashion. Boots and tights? Long hair? Forgetting to wash your face, as a beauty statement? I assume? Iconic! Also to just carry around a broom but never clean is like the ultimate power move.
I’ve long thought about where witches go on vacation. Do they like the heat? Or more of a coastal breeze off the swamp? Obviously they were black bathing suits, that’s a given and honestly everyone should own a black bathing suit, they’re terribly flattering! IfI there is a movie about a witch going on vacation that I don’t know about, please comment here and let me know, otherwise I’m taking this idea straight to Hollywood! They’ve never shut me down before!*
*They have shut me down so many times.
If you were a little witch, which… DUH… you are, what spell would you cast on someone? I honestly think there’s probably nothing more cruel out there than to force someone to have shitty in-laws. The horror! The back-handed compliments! The negging!
(Ohmigod she’s so political…)
I wouldn’t be surprised if the concept of witches was actually created only to ban women who didn’t seek marriage. Or is that totally what it was? Anyone know? I am not a history buff unless it’s the history of Law & Order and then I know it most of it in a vague sense. To be clear I do believe in witches. I’m not saying witchcraft is merely a social construct BUT the culture surrounding witches is ya know, *sexist*, just like everything else! Except actually in Hocus Pocus 2 which I really think you should watch.
Speaking of watching things, which shows do witches watch? (Did I just invent a new tongue twister?!) My guesses are Handmaids Tale, True Blood, and RuPaul’s Drag Race, but NOT Ghost Hunters. Too close to home.
Two years ago I invested in a good witch costume. It felt like at age 29, it was time, and also it was like a very hot dress on sale at Spirit. How could I not? Buying the dress and hat made me feel like I was solidifying my identity as a woman. A… witchy woman.
Eagles jokes aside, I think there is great strength to believing in witches. They are defying gender norms! Living with their friends! Making potions to keep themselves young! That part unfortunately ties into the whole “women shouldn’t age” bullshit which I don’t agree with but will surely fall prey to as soon as I start needing retinol. But still! I love witches! They wear black! They have cool tights! They never run out of candles! They love to read! They’re good at rhyming! If you don’t own a witch costume yet, I hope you can find one that makes you feel good this season and if you can’t find one, I hope you have an impressive friend who is good at sewing that can make you one, and if you don’t have that friend, I hope you can take a costuming class to become that friend.
I will leave you with a witchy story from high school. It was junior year and we’d all been assigned our roles to play in The Crucible in english class. I was very excited to share with my bestie Allison in science class which part I got, but our teacher Mr. D (who was an ex-NFL player that we all had huge crushes on) wouldn’t stop going on and on about something I didn’t care about. So I tried to mouth to Allison my part in the play. But she didn’t understand. I tried again. And she was like eh? So I finally yelled, “I’M THE TOWN WHORE!!!!” The entire science class turned to face me, Mr. D’s face turned white and he screamed in terror, “HILARY.” I realized what I had done and started back pedaling, explaining that I myself wasn’t a whore but I was assigned the role Abigail in The Crucible, who was in fact a bit of a town whore, to my understanding, but also accused of being a witch, which is really unfair. Mr. D asked me to stop talking so I slide under the table for the rest of class.
Thank you for reading! New posts every Friday!
Song on Repeat: “It Wasn’t God Who Made Honky Tonk Angels” (RIP Loretta <3 an OG Witch )
Obsessed with: This Taco Bell magazine
Recently watched: Jena Friedman’s comedy special, Ladykiller
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What a fun read! And here my two cents about witches: the brooms comes from the fact that they actually kept their homes really clean as they knew that prevented diseases (at a time when so many deaths were really from a lack of hygiene!). They had a profound knowledge of nature and medicinal plants (thus the potions). Some of the plants they used had psychedelic qualities (thus when people would take them would hallucinate and see the witches “fly” on their brooms etc). Their relationship and knowledge of nature made them powerful healers but of course that scared a lot of people (men) and as with most fears that lead to violence (aka burning the witches). Witches have and will always exist though! 🧙🏽🧹🍄🌗
I bought a really really nice long , wavy pale blue wig in august at a wig shop. You walking your dog in witch dress encourages me to walk my dog in my blue wig. Also I hope you are going to watch Carnival Of Souls this month??!!